Copyright is dead.
He’s been strangled to death by the RIAA, MPAA, and all associated industries who kept squeezing him harder and harder in an effort to make him do what they wanted. Their motives were unclear, having something to do with calling ordinary internet users “pirates” and attempting to exterminate them en masse, but thanks to the abuse and cruelty they inflicted upon the late Mr. Copyright, he wasn’t even able to stumble out to his first real assignment. All that remains of him today is a dried, meaningless corpse. His eldest surviving relation, Trademark, has expressed shock and horror over how corporations and studios keep trying to make Copyright work by animating his body like a marionette and has been demanding that the body be returned to him and his family for proper burial.
There’s been an outpouring of sympathy from all corners of the world. One aspiring author we interviewed, a Mr. Creature Keeper, said, “Copyright had always been a warm, comforting presence for nobodies like me hoping to make it big on hopes and dreams. His job was to protect us for a brief amount of years so we could learn to stand on our own feet without being pummeled by bullies. I had heard rumors of his abduction for a while, but it wasn’t until recently that I learned the full extent of the atrocities that had been inflicted on him and are still being committed in his name. There’s just no words for the injustice that has transpired.”
The news of his passing has become a rallying call in the technology sector, especially for Techdirt, Ars Technica, Slashdot, Reddit, and Demand Progress. They’ve been at the forefront of a combined effort to bring the Hollywood-style-villains-who-are-really-actually-from-Hollywood to justice.
The void left by Mr. Copyright’s passing has left up-and-coming artists and entertainers in an uncomfortable position. “I’m not worried about torrenting,” Mr. Keeper said. “Sharing is a natural part of life, and the people who download movies and comics and such online mainly do so because they are there, because they are free, cool-looking treats they happen to find floating around, so each download is not a lost sale or something. But with Copyright gone… I’m honestly a little scared. Who will do his job now? This novel I’m working on is my brainchild; I feel that if I only accomplish one thing in life, it has to be this. But the people who has been defiling his corpse have created such a hostile climate that sometimes I feel tempted to believe that every download really is a lost sale. It’s not for any rational reason, it’s just because these are fearful times, and I’m fighting to keep them from overpowering me. I’ve heard that Copyright had friends named Creative Commons and Kickstarter, so I’m considering going to them now. Maybe they can point me in the right direction at least.”
Though the technology exists to return Mr. Copyright to life if his body is retrieved, the possibility seems unlikely. The people in possession of his body now have brought shame and ruin to his reputation, leading to a consensus among the public that he should just be laid to rest to preserve whatever amount of dignity he may still have left.
When authorities were asked to comment on any possible investigation involving the RIAA, MPAA, and Mr. Copyright’s death, they said, “Mind your own business.”